Role of emotions in maintaining healthy relationships

Our emotions play a crucial role in shaping how we connect with ourselves and others. Understanding our emotional history, including how we feel about feelings (known as meta-emotions), can significantly impact our ability to build strong, healthy relationships.

Our emotional journey begins at home. If you grew up in an “emotion coaching” environment, you likely feel comfortable acknowledging and expressing your feelings. Crying, sadness, and anger were all considered part of the human experience, helping you build a healthy relationship with your emotions.

On the other hand, if you were raised in an “emotion dismissing” home, you may have learned to suppress your feelings. Phrases like “don’t be sad” or “boys don’t cry” might have been common, leading to difficulty understanding or validating emotions as an adult.

This early emotional training often carries into adulthood, influencing how we manage our own emotions and how we react to the emotions of others.

A meta-emotion mismatch occurs when one partner in a relationship is comfortable with emotions, while the other finds them overwhelming or even threatening. This mismatch can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and conflict.

For someone who is emotionally dismissive, their partner’s expressions of sadness or anger might feel like manipulative tactics, while the emotionally open partner might feel unsupported or misunderstood.

Emily Nagoski, in her book *Come As You Are*, likens emotional processing to traveling through a dark tunnel. Although it may feel frightening, moving through those negative emotions leads to relief and connection on the other side.

For someone uncomfortable with emotions, however, this journey can feel like a treacherous alley they’d rather avoid altogether. Yet, emotional avoidance often exacerbates issues, leaving both partners feeling unheard.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, highlights that the success of any relationship depends on emotional attunement—understanding and validating each other’s emotions.

He outlines the “art of intimate conversation” as a way to cultivate emotional attunement:
1. Put Your Feelings Into Words – Express how you truly feel, and encourage your partner to do the same.
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions– Invite deeper conversations by asking questions that allow for a wide range of responses.
3. Follow Up with Connection-Building Statements– Show that you’re listening and interested in understanding your partner.
4. Express Compassion and Empathy– Validate your partner’s emotions, even if they are different from yours.

This form of communication fosters closeness and reduces emotional disconnect, creating a space where both partners feel heard and valued.

A key to building healthier emotional connections is reflecting on your emotional history. Were you encouraged to express your emotions or taught to keep them hidden? Understanding this history can help you empathize with your partner and validate their emotional experiences.

Dr. Gottman also advises against immediately jumping into problem-solving mode when your partner expresses negative emotions. While offering solutions might seem helpful, it can undermine their emotional experience. As Dr. Gottman says, “Understanding and empathy must precede advice.”

How can you tell if you’re in a relationship that’s good for your emotional health? An emotionally healthy relationship is one where both partners feel free to express their emotions without fear of judgment. You should feel understood, validated, and supported, just as you do the same for your partner.

In fact, research shows that emotionally healthy relationships contribute to better overall well-being. Being in tune with your emotions—and your partner’s—creates a foundation of trust and mutual respect, which strengthens both mental and physical health.