When Laughter Teaches Harm: A Quiet Moment That Spoke Too Loud

Today, I witnessed something that looked small, almost childish on the surface. A young child stood with his nanny. She encouraged him to slap himself. He did.
They laughed.
She repeated it.
He repeated it.
Again and again, slap, laughter, approval.
To many, this might appear harmless. A joke. Playfulness. A moment to be ignored.
But psychologically, moments like these are not small. Children do not learn through explanation; they learn through association. What is paired with laughter, attention, and approval becomes normalised.

What is repeated becomes encoded.
In that moment, the child was not just slapping himself. He was learning a message. Self-harm brings attention. Pain can be playful. Hurting myself makes adults smile. This is not conscious learning, it is emotional conditioning.

From a psychological lens, especially in early development, children internalise experiences somatically and emotionally before they can process them cognitively. The body remembers long before the mind understands.

When a caregiver someone who represents safety and authority models or encourages self-directed harm, even in jest, it can subtly blur boundaries:
• Where does play end and harm begin?
• Is my body something to protect or perform with?
• Do I hurt myself to be seen?

This is how confusion around self-worth quietly begins not through trauma alone, but through misguided mirroring. Children often repeat what earns them connection. If slapping oneself brings laughter, the behaviour is reinforced. Over time, such patterns can evolve into attention-seeking behaviours, emotional dysregulation, or difficulty recognising healthy ways to express needs.

No child should learn that pain is a currency for love. This is not about blaming the nanny. Many adults repeat what they themselves learned. Playfulness without awareness is common. But intention does not erase impact.

As adults, especially those responsible for children, we must remember: Every interaction teaches something.

Children deserve environments where:
• Safety is not mocked
• Bodies are respected
• Attention is given for expression, not injury
• Laughter does not come at the cost of self-respect

What we model today becomes their inner voice tomorrow. And sometimes, the smallest moments are the ones that shape us the most.